Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
