My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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