the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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