Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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