Taylor Swift is so right about you.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
