I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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