I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
