I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
Randomize
