I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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