forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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