awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Randomize
