When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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