did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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