did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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