Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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