I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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