it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
