dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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