i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
