Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
