My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
