yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
