i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
How does it feel to date your dad?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
