Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Randomize
