i was born a porn star she said
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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