Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
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