She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Randomize
