see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
