This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Randomize