I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
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