two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
