he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize