Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
We left an ass print on the piano.
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
