I'll bet she douches with gravy.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
