I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
