he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
Randomize
