And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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