I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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