I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
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