I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Randomize
