fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
