It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
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