I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
