Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
