remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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