She announced her abortion via fbk
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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