My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
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