You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
