Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
