Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
