apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
