i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
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