Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
