He disabled his match.com account in front of me
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
