I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Panties = found
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