I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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