we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
