I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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