I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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