if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
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