Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Randomize
