We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
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