my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
