his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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