How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Randomize
